Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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