I should be sponsored by Trojan
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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