Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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