We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
