Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
