he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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