My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Actions speak louder than pants.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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