I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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