i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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