11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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