I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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