Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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