You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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