Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
