I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
