BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
