I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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