I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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