I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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