I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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