apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
