WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
