Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
