Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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