Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
