hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
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I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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