Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
