I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
