im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
