Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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