I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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