Im at strip club and am horny
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
