the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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