Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
