someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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