I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
