I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
