I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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