i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
