You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
