I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
