i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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