I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
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Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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