what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
