turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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