I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
