I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
