That's intense
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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