Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
