im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
