Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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