I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
