I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Randomize
