you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
