i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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