He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
