I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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