Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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