I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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